Blood Makes You A Relative, Loyalty Makes You Family

Yesterday, I was surfing Facebook when I learned that a cousin of mine, who is a rapper at Interscope Records (I’m not going to say his name and please don’t ask me what record label under Interscope he works for, because I don’t know) un-friended me and it really had me thinking. This cousin of mine has been on and off for months dating back to last year trying to reach out to me and get to know me because we haven’t seen each other for a very, very, very long time (To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever met him, if I had met him, I don’t remember it)…Then he told me to give him my phone number so his father can call me and instead of giving him my phone number, I gave him my email address.

Earlier, this year in January, my uncle wrote me on Facebook, asking me did I call and tell my father Happy Birthday. I said that I didn’t and he went on and on about how I need to talk to my father and not turn my back on the rest of the family.

The reasons why I really haven’t spoken to my cousin and my father (Who I haven’t seen in five years and I’m not complaining about that all) is because, I SIMPLY DO NOT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ANYONE IN MY FATHER’S IMMEDIATE FAMILY (Including my father) to want to have a relationship with any of them and here’s why.

My father left my mother all alone with me in 1984 when she was stationed in Germany. For a while, I actually thought that my stepfather was my actual father. It wasn’t until myself and my immediate family (Which includes a younger brother and two younger sisters) left from Germany and back to the States in 1992 that I realized that my stepfather was not my biological father. I found that out when we were staying at my Grandmother’s house and I answered the phone and the person on the other end said, “Hey, you know who this is?” followed up by, “This is you’re dad!” I handed the phone to my mother, who hung up the phone as soon I told her who it was. When I seen my mom hanging up the phone the way she did, I knew , even at the age of ten, that my father and his family were bad news.

When I was growing up from 1992 to 2001, whenever I spent time with my father, my grandmother (Who died in Sept 2011) and uncles (My father have five brothers) with the exception of one  of them who actually did reach out to me(He died in Sept 1999), there was always drama and bs whenever my visit was over and I back went home. The reason for all of the drama and bs was because of a quiet war with my mother vs. my father, my grandmother, and the rest of his immediate family. What my mother fighting for was to get my father to pay child support and have an active role in my life growing up and beyond, however, my father and his family thought differently. My father would say on more than a few occasions that I wasn’t his son (I found out it about a couple of months ago) and several other things. My father, my grandmother, and all of his brothers made it their business, put all of their eggs in one basket, and put all of their energy and focus on trying to make mother look like the worse parent, the worse person ever at every turn, blatantly forgetting that there was a son/grandson/nephew to take care of and get to know.

When I graduated from high school and began to live on my own, my father has tried on many occasions reaching out to me. There were times that I thought that it was possible to be a family with him and his family only for that opportunity to be short-lived (My father would do or say something to kill it).

The last time that I tried to reach out to my father was when I moved to Los Angeles in Dec 2010-March 2011.  I was going to school, I was staying at a hostel (Which only cost $25 a night to stay), so I stayed at this hostel for the whole month of January 2011 and I asked him to help me out during that time. I have told my father before that I was going to receive BAH from the government starting Feb 1^st (I was in the U.S. Army for eight and a half years and I was using the benefits that received from my time I that I was in), but yet, he would call me and spoke to me as if he didn’t want to help me at all. As I think back about it now, I’m glad that I did try to reach out to him and try to get him to help me because it showed me that him and the rest of his family absolutely could care less about me.  On top of that, when I did ask for his help, he told me that I had to call him and my grandmother once or twice every week (Mind you that these are the same people that didn’t do anything for me growing and didn’t give a damn about me!) so I can receive his help.  That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I haven’t spoken to my father in two years (There’s a very, very, very good chance that it will stay that way). Him,  grandma, and my uncles had made growing up and trying to get to know them so difficult and crazy that whenever someone  from that family tries to reach out to me, I don’t want any part of it at all.

As I look back on the past few years, I have made some friends, which is something that I really didn’t have growing up and with these friends of mine, I have been doing something that I wasn’t able to do before, which is spend time with them and they actually want me around and have enjoy my company.  In the past five years, I have spent time with some friends and their families on many holidays and occasions (In the past two years, I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s with one very, very, very, very good friend of mine in Texas and I have celebrated Christmas and several other holidays with another very good friend in LA). As I sit back and look back to all those times that I’ve spent with various friends and sometimes with their families, I’ve learned that just because you’re born into a family does not mean that you have to stay family with the family you were born with. Basically what I’m saying is “Blood makes you a relative, Loyalty makes you family.” You can find family anywhere as long as the people that you call family are loyal to you and that they love you, appreciate you, and respect you the way you be.