Yesterday, I was surfing Facebook
when I learned that a cousin of mine, who is a rapper at Interscope Records
(I’m not going to say his name and please don’t ask me what record label under
Interscope he works for, because I don’t know) un-friended me and it really had
me thinking. This cousin of mine has been on and off for months dating back to
last year trying to reach out to me and get to know me because we haven’t seen
each other for a very, very, very long time (To be honest, I don’t think I’ve
ever met him, if I had met him, I don’t remember it)…Then he told me to give him
my phone number so his father can call me and instead of giving him my phone
number, I gave him my email address.
Earlier, this year in January, my
uncle wrote me on Facebook, asking me did I call and tell my father Happy
Birthday. I said that I didn’t and he went on and on about how I need to talk
to my father and not turn my back on the rest of the family.
The reasons why I really haven’t spoken
to my cousin and my father (Who I haven’t seen in five years and I’m not complaining
about that all) is because, I SIMPLY DO NOT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ANYONE IN MY
FATHER’S IMMEDIATE FAMILY (Including my father) to want to have a relationship
with any of them and here’s why.
My father left my mother all
alone with me in 1984 when she was stationed in Germany. For a while, I
actually thought that my stepfather was my actual father. It wasn’t until
myself and my immediate family (Which includes a younger brother and two
younger sisters) left from Germany and back to the States in 1992 that I
realized that my stepfather was not my biological father. I found that out when
we were staying at my Grandmother’s house and I answered the phone and the
person on the other end said, “Hey, you know who this is?” followed up by,
“This is you’re dad!” I handed the phone to my mother, who hung up the phone as
soon I told her who it was. When I seen my mom hanging up the phone the way she
did, I knew , even at the age of ten, that my father and his family were bad
news.
When I was growing up from 1992
to 2001, whenever I spent time with my father, my grandmother (Who died in Sept
2011) and uncles (My father have five brothers) with the exception of one of them who actually did reach out to me(He
died in Sept 1999), there was always drama and bs whenever my visit was over
and I back went home. The reason for all of the drama and bs was because of a
quiet war with my mother vs. my father, my grandmother, and the rest of his
immediate family. What my mother fighting for was to get my father to pay child
support and have an active role in my life growing up and beyond, however, my
father and his family thought differently. My father would say on more than a
few occasions that I wasn’t his son (I found out it about a couple of months
ago) and several other things. My father, my grandmother, and all of his
brothers made it their business, put all of their eggs in one basket, and put
all of their energy and focus on trying to make mother look like the worse parent,
the worse person ever at every turn, blatantly forgetting that there was a son/grandson/nephew
to take care of and get to know.
When I graduated from high school
and began to live on my own, my father has tried on many occasions reaching out
to me. There were times that I thought that it was possible to be a family with
him and his family only for that opportunity to be short-lived (My father would
do or say something to kill it).
The last time that I tried to
reach out to my father was when I moved to Los Angeles in Dec 2010-March
2011. I was going to school, I was
staying at a hostel (Which only cost $25 a night to stay), so I stayed at this
hostel for the whole month of January 2011 and I asked him to help me out
during that time. I have told my father before that I was going to receive BAH
from the government starting Feb 1st (I was in the U.S. Army for
eight and a half years and I was using the benefits that received from my time
I that I was in), but yet, he would call me and spoke to me as if he didn’t
want to help me at all. As I think back about it now, I’m glad that I did try
to reach out to him and try to get him to help me because it showed me that him
and the rest of his family absolutely could care less about me. On top of that, when I did ask for his
help, he told me that I had to call him and my grandmother once or twice every
week (Mind you that these are the same people that didn’t do anything for me
growing and didn’t give a damn about me!) so I can receive his help. That’s the straw that broke the camel’s
back for me. I haven’t spoken to my father in two years (There’s a very, very,
very good chance that it will stay that way). Him, grandma, and my uncles had made growing up and trying to get
to know them so difficult and crazy that whenever someone from that family tries to reach out to
me, I don’t want any part of it at all.
As I look back on the past few
years, I have made some friends, which is something that I really didn’t have
growing up and with these friends of mine, I have been doing something that I
wasn’t able to do before, which is spend time with them and they actually want
me around and have enjoy my company.
In the past five years, I have spent time with some friends and their
families on many holidays and occasions (In the past two years, I’ve celebrated
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s with one very, very, very, very good
friend of mine in Texas and I have celebrated Christmas and several other
holidays with another very good friend in LA). As I sit back and look back to
all those times that I’ve spent with various friends and sometimes with their
families, I’ve learned that just because you’re born into a family does not
mean that you have to stay family with the family you were born with. Basically
what I’m saying is “Blood makes you a relative, Loyalty makes you family.” You
can find family anywhere as long as the people that you call family are loyal
to you and that they love you, appreciate you, and respect you the way you be.
